She’s Your Ex, Not Your Best Friend

written by Fred Campos

[I]’ve been reading an excellent book on divorce, by Christina Pesoli called “Break Free from the Divortex” I will give you a full review next week. I want to share four paragraphs from Christina’s book that I think explain the emotional background beyond my Five Common Communicating Mistakes Made with the Ex. I have changed the pronoun he to a she, but Christina’s thoughts still apply.

The number one thing to remember when you are communicating with your Ex is to keep it short and sweet. And if you can’t do both, keep it even shorter. You may be one of those rare people who is on good term with your Ex, but, if getting a divorce teaches you anything it’s that feelings can change. The fact that you are getting along now doesn’t mean you will continue to get along in the future. What’s more, getting along well with your Ex during your divorce can actually put you at risk. That’s because the frequent communications that often go hand in hand with a friendly relationship can lead to sharing too much information–about your current activities, your future plans, and what’s most important to you. Then, if you reach a point at which things aren’t so friendly between the two of you, she has information that could be used against you.

However close you may feel to her and however well you might be getting along at the moment, the two of you are currently on opposite sides of a lawsuit. That doesn’t mean you have to hate each other, but that does mean you have opposing interests whether or not you want to see it that way. If your divorce negotiations get contentious or if one of you gets angry at the other, you could easily end up regretting all the sharing you did when you were getting along well.

Think of it like this: If you are trying to buy a house, there are things you should not share with the seller no matter how friendly you feel toward her. These things would include the maximum amount you’d be willing to pay for the house, whether you have certain time limitations that the seller could possibly exploit, or that you have your heart set on this specific house. You may genuinely like your seller, but you should never lose sight of the fact that you two are on opposite sides of the table when it comes to the transaction.

The same is true with your Ex and your divorce. If you and your Ex are getting along well, congratulations to both of you. But remember, while your divorce is pending, there can definitely be too much of a good thing. Feel free to enjoy the friendly tone, but be careful not to share too much.

How has sharing with your Ex been good or bad during your divorce?

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