[H]ave you noticed we live in a society that hates making decisions? Whether it’s picking a combo meal number at a drive through window, or deciding which restaurant to frequent for dinner, people HATE making choices. I believe this problem is rooted in having too many choices and everyone accessing too many different opinions. We have become a generation that doesn’t think for ourselves. We worry too much about making the wrong decision that we rarely make any decisions on our own. This indecisiveness is a decision in and of itself–and it is usually the wrong one.
If you have determined that there is absolutely nothing you can do to save your marriage (see previous post), then you need to sit down and determine if fighting for custody is worth it? I know, I know, the easy answer is “yes”. Your friends and family will tell you “yes” you have to fight. Society is going to tell you, “You should fight.” But the reality is, it is time to sit down and be real with yourself. Do you really WANT custody? Are you really the better parent? Why do you want custody? Are your answers to these questions truly noble and in the best interest of your children? Or are you just feeling very vindictive, angry at your Ex, or upset about the possibility of paying child support?
Deciding It is Worth the Fight for Custody
You need to stop what you’re doing, go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror the give some serious thought to the following statements. Being a custodial parent is tough. While still being the financial provider, you’ll do most of the parenting, you’ll do most of the homework, you’ll do most of the spending, you’ll deal with most of the problems. You’ll be the main one to staying home when your kids are sick. You’ll be the primary person running them to piano lessons, drilling them on their multiplication tables, disciplining them on their misbehavior. You’ll get the first call from the principal when an issue arises at school and from the police officer when they get caught toilet papering a house in their teens. DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS JOB?
[tweet “Our legal system operates very unfavorably to dads seeking primary custody.”]
If you are still answering “yes” to this question, now let me clarify the fight you are really about to be up against. Even though we are a decade into the 21st century, our legal system operates very unfavorably to dads seeking primary custody. You will have to be 200 times better than your Ex, in the top 5% of other dads in your parenting skills, and spend double the amount of money on your case than most custody battles. But is it worth all that? Only you can answer that. I need you to answer it honestly. If you still think it is worth the cost, then I need for you to decide right now to fight, to go all the way, and to win! Making a decision to do something IS the first step! Being mentally committed to this extensive task is a MUST!
Let’s say you have looked in the mirror, counted the cost, and realize you are not up for the fight. That’s ok too. That is a decision as well, at least you know where you REALLY stand. You may still want to try to get the best access to your children. You need to study your rights to prevent your Ex from taking advantage of you. You are still ahead of the game. The worst possible situation, which I see all the time, is a guy who is fighting but has not “decided” to really fight. That is a formula for losing.
One final thought. I know some good dads and moms that realized they are not up for the job. Their Ex really is the better parent. It hurts to say, but sometime that is the best for their children and in their situation, it just might be.
So have you decided to fight? What makes you the better parent?
Love the dialogue! You are fired up, for sure. This reminds me a little of early Promise Keepers stuff, where guys were primed for the fight to be responsible men overall, not just good dads. Lots of good words in here, Fred.
By the way, the word is “solicit”. Go get ’em!
Fred, you have not asked the critical question and it’s a critical question *legally* too:
What is in the best interest of the child?
Generally, the court will chose the parent who:
1) has spent the most time with the child pre-divorce
2) makes the most accommodations in lifestyle, etc. for the child’s well being
3) is the parent the child wants to live with.
It’s true women usually get custody but usually they are the parent of record and the one who’s willing to devote time to the case. I think the courts are less biased male/female than you suggest. If the dad’s house really *is* the place the child belongs, they’re willing to put him or her with the dad. But the truth is in general what the dad (or mom) wants in a contested custody case is not the important aspect. The interest of the child is.
Sonja,
very well stated. In my experience in dealing with fathers who want custody, I sometimes have to sit them down and pull them away from the battle long enough to evaluate their motives. Lately both dads and moms are fighting so much to get back or get even.
Like you said, the children should be the focus and their best interest.
Maybe, the better decision is for both side to drop the pretense of fighting and compromise, giving both 50/50 custody, making it equal and equitable for both sides and the involvement of lawyers minimal.
Greg,
sorry I am so late in responding. First and foremost, thanks for commenting. I agree with you completely in a perfect world or one from which the parties get along very well after the divorce. In my 11 years of this work, I have seen two very good cases where a 50/50 custody worked and made sense. (Both case the parties lived with in 2000 feet of each other.)
Outside of very close proximity, I have not seen 50/50 custody work for the children in regards to school, extracurricular activities, and long term struction.
Personally I think co-parents should be required to live on the same street, but that’s a topic for another day. 🙂
So I just moved from Hawaii on the fact I was with a lady last year working with here in Washington who was pregnant with my child. I moved back to Washington first thing under very late notice from the mother who currently lives under one roof with her other two half siblings that are 12-13 . Plus she has another 3 yr old daughter who has a father that is not allowed to be around for reasons I still don’t know. I’m basically concerned for what I did observe it in the first two weeks after our baby girl was born . Her mother only wanted to continue living under one roof with her mom stepdad, and other young three kids. At the moment my daughter is 1 month old and her mother won’t contact me or respond nor let me see our newborn. She doesn’t make enough and her step dad has been unemployed for 9months or more. While her mom doesn’t work . All the kids are homeschooled and I have every desire to start focusing on my legal rights and I’m most scared of being taken advantage of.
Stay involved, document everything, use your daughters name when talking about her and file for paternity.
Then there me. Never charged him child support, he used the courts to harass me. Our son turned 13 & said he wanted to try it over there. I said fine. Made the arrangements. Now, I pay over $600 a month in support & guess who is no longer honoring the agreement? Him. I haven’t seen or talked with my child in a bit. I can no longer afford to go to court & basically am feeling overwhelmed. I want what’s best for my child and I thought…13 yr old boy wants to hang with dad…sounds legit. Let’s do it. I knew he was going to pull something funny but, I never thought he would with hold our child…a human being with feelings/thoughts/emotions against me. I just feel like giving up & pray my son knows I did my best.
Sandy,
SO understand your pain and that is the problem with divorce and custody in this country. While it takes two to agree on marriage, only one can start a divorce. Only one party cannot keep an agreement and then you are screwed. *sigh* What state are you in? If he’s not honoring custody visitation call the enforcement office. Some states take parent alienation very seriously. Hang it there.
Hello, thank you for the quick response. I am in Michigan. You are 100% right. I honestly feel like he has been harassing me for over 10 years now.
That’s how I feel
I know the feeling Shanelle. Hang in there!
I raised the kids for 7 yrs minus the last 1year in a half that we separated.
We both want 50/50 and both want physical custody of the kids. I don’t like that she has that title of primary parent even if it’s 50/50. It feels horrible to see that I’m technically visiting my kids instead of there home being here. I don’t know if all of this is worth the fight?
Someone please tell me what is the worst thing that can happen in a 50/50 case but she has physical custody/ primary parenting.
I’m in Washington state by the way.
Josef,
thanks for reaching out. As long as you get along and can see your kids half the time, forget the labels and call it bless. Where it CAN get tricky is when she has physical custody and changes the 50/50 arrangements that affect your time. Whether you are custodial or non-custodial parent, stop using the word “visiting.” Your children live in two homes and some of that time with you. Chin up and focus on being a good parent and enjoying the time you have with your kids. I promise, they grow up FAST! Let me know if you have other questions.
Thank you for the quick reply. I am curious, so if she is custodial parent, she has the power to change the 50/50 agreement in the future? Like in say 3 yrs. She gets pissed and wants to hurt me somehow? Can I fight for primary custodial parent in the future?
Josef, in most states either party can change the agreement if they can show a material or substantial change, which is a low bar. (A change in job, home, relationship, etc.) In my experience, this tends to happen as the kids age over time in most 50/50 relationship. Especially when kids get more involved in school or a relationship changes from one parent or the others.
Can you fight for primary custodial parent later? Yes, but the odds of it changing from the original order is not high overall. Again, I emphasis if you can continue to get along, do. If you can’t or think it will be worse in the future, get it written into your order. They can be future clauses… When the kids are in school we will move to week on, week off. When the kids enter high school we will move to two weeks on, two weeks off. We agree to always live in the same school zone, etc…