When Your Child Doesn’t Want to Go With You: What a Divorced Dad Should—and Shouldn’t—Do

You pull into the driveway or the designated exchange location expecting to pick up Johnny.  Instead, you hear the words no divorced dad wants to hear:  “I don’t want to go with Dad.”  That hurts.

Even if you know your child loves you, even if you had a great weekend together two weeks ago, and even if you suspect something else is happening behind the scenes, hearing Sally say they don’t want to come with you can feel like a punch in the stomach.

And in a custody case, your immediate reaction matters.  You may want to demand an explanation. You may want to accuse your Ex of turning Johnny against you. You may want to tell your child exactly how unfair this is.  Don’t.  This is one of those moments when being a good Father and protecting your custody case require exactly the same thing:  Stay calm.

A Child Can Have Feelings Without Choosing Parents

The first thing I would remind Fathers is that children have bad days.  Maybe your son doesn’t want to leave his video game.  Maybe your daughter has plans with a friend.  Maybe Mom’s house has fewer rules.  Maybe Sally is tired.  Maybe they are upset with you about something completely unrelated to the divorce.  Or maybe there really is a bigger problem developing.

You don’t necessarily know which one you’re dealing with based on a single exchange.  That’s why your first job isn’t to investigate.  Your first job is to be Dad.  A child saying, “I don’t want to go,” shouldn’t immediately become:  “WHAT DID YOUR MOM SAY TO YOU?”  Don’t put Sally in that position.

Don’t Make Your Child Defend Their Love for You

This is an easy mistake for hurt parents to make.  You start asking:  “Don’t you want to spend time with me?”  “Why don’t you want to come to my house?”  “Did Mom tell you not to go?”  “You used to love staying with me. What changed?”  Imagine being eight years old and trying to answer those questions.  Johnny may feel like there is no correct response.

If they say they want Mom, Dad is hurt.  If they say they want Dad, Mom may be hurt.   Congratulations. We’ve just turned Johnny into the jury in their parents’ divorce.  Don’t do that.

Johnny and Sally should never feel responsible for reassuring you that they love you.  You’re the parent.  You reassure them.

Stay Calm at the Exchange

If you’re standing in front of your Ex, this becomes even more important.  Don’t yell.  Don’t threaten.  Don’t start quoting the custody order.  Don’t pull out your phone and begin recording a dramatic interrogation of Johnny.  And definitely don’t turn the parking lot into Courtroom Number Two.  You want to remain calm and reasonable.  

Something as simple as:  “I know you’re upset. We’re going to be okay. Let’s get your things and we’ll talk later.” may be enough.  Your goal should be to lower the temperature, not win an argument.

But Don’t Simply Stop Showing Up

Here’s the other side of this.  Some Dads hear that Sally doesn’t want to come and eventually think:  Fine. I’m not going to force them.  Then they stop exercising their parenting time.  That’s dangerous.  Emotionally, you’re teaching Sally that your relationship is optional.  Practically, you’re creating a history where Dad isn’t using the parenting time available to him.

If you have scheduled parenting time, continue showing up.  Be dependable.  Be predictable.  Be there.  Johnny may be angry with you today and desperately need you six months from now.  Don’t disappear because parenting got uncomfortable.

One Bad Exchange Is Different From a Pattern

This is where documentation becomes important.  One difficult Friday night doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  But what if it happens three weekends in a row?  What if Johnny suddenly begins using adult phrases about the custody case?  What if exchanges consistently become impossible?  What if you’re repeatedly told your child “doesn’t want to go,” but you aren’t allowed to speak with them?  Now you may have a pattern worth paying attention to.

Write down what happened.  Record the date.  Record the time.  Record who was present.  Record what was actually said.  Save relevant texts and emails.  But here’s the important part:  Document facts, not conclusions.  Bad documentation:

“My crazy ex has brainwashed my daughter again.”

Better documentation:

“September 4, 6:03 p.m. Arrived for scheduled pickup. Daughter remained inside the vehicle. Mother stated, ‘She says she doesn’t want to go.’ I asked whether I could speak with her. Mother declined. Exchange did not occur.”

See the difference?  One sounds angry.  The other sounds like evidence.

Don’t Interrogate Johnny Later

Suppose Johnny eventually comes with you.  You’re driving home.  You’re dying to know what happened.  Be careful.  There’s a difference between giving Sally an opportunity to talk and conducting an investigation.  Try:  “If something is bothering you, you can always talk to me.”  Then listen.  You don’t need to fill every silence.  If Sally tells you something concerning, remember what they said and document it later.  Don’t start feeding them answers.

Don’t ask the same question fifteen different ways.  And don’t celebrate if they say something negative about your Ex.  Your child needs a father, not a detective.

Make Your Home Somewhere They Want to Be

There’s another possibility Dads need to consider.  Maybe the problem isn’t your Ex.  Ouch.  But it’s worth asking.  Is your parenting time enjoyable?  Are you actually spending time with your child, or are you working the entire weekend?  Does your house feel like their home too?  Do they have clothes there?  A toothbrush?  A place for their stuff?  Do you know their friends?  Do you know what they’re interested in right now?  Do you spend the entire weekend asking questions about Mom?  

Sometimes improving parenting time has nothing to do with court.  It means improving the relationship.

Don’t Compete With the Other Parent

Your answer shouldn’t be buying bigger presents.  Or eliminating every rule.  Or letting your teenager stay awake until 3:00 a.m. because Mom makes them go to bed.  You aren’t running for Favorite Parent.

You’re raising Johnny and Sally.  There will be times when being a good Dad makes you temporarily unpopular.  That’s okay.  Children need consistency more than campaigning.

When Should You Become Concerned?

A repeated refusal of parenting time can become serious, particularly if it represents a sudden change in your child’s behavior.  Pay attention when you see a consistent pattern.  That might include repeated missed exchanges, interference with communication, unexplained changes in your child’s attitude toward you, adult language about the custody dispute, or allegations that seem to appear suddenly.

At that point, don’t diagnose the situation yourself.  And don’t declare on Facebook that you’re experiencing “parental alienation.”  Talk with your attorney.  Show them your documentation.  Let them help determine whether anything legally significant is happening and what your next step should be.

Your Child Is Not the Battlefield

This may be the most important point.  Custody cases can become ugly.  Parents get angry.  Attorneys argue.  Judges make decisions.  Orders get entered.  But your son or daughter shouldn’t have to carry that fight.  When Johnny says they don’t want to go with you, you may feel rejected.  Don’t make them responsible for fixing that feeling.  Keep showing up.  Keep loving them.  Keep documenting what matters.  Keep your emotions away from the exchange.

And if there really is interference occurring, handle it through the adults and the legal system—not through your child.  Because someday Sally may understand far more about what happened between Mom and Dad than they understand today.  When that day comes, you want them to be able to look back and say:  Dad never made me choose.

And that may be one of the most important victories a Father can win.

Daddy Got Custody provides information based on experience and general educational purposes. Every custody situation is different. If you have questions about your specific custody order or parenting-time rights, consult a qualified family-law attorney in your jurisdiction.