Dad, Stop Treating Parenting Time Like Visitation

There is a word in family law that I have never particularly liked when we’re talking about Fathers:  Visitation.  You visit your uncle.  You visit a friend in the hospital.  You visit Disney World.  You don’t visit your children. You parent them.

Maybe your court order calls it visitation. Maybe your state calls it possession, access, or parenting time. Whatever terminology appears on the paperwork, don’t let the language change how you approach being a Father.  If you’re fighting for custody—or simply trying to become a more involved dad—stop thinking of your time with your children as a weekend event.  You’re not the entertainment department.  You’re Dad.

Being the “Fun Parent” Isn’t Enough

I understand the temptation.  If you only have your children every other weekend, you want those weekends to be great.  Pizza!  Movies!  Video games!  Six Flags!  Stay up late!  Nobody wants to spend half of Saturday arguing with a 12-year-old about cleaning his room when you only get two weekends a month.

But here’s the problem:  Real parenting isn’t always fun.  Real parenting means homework.  It means brushing teeth.  It means vegetables—or at least attempting to identify one occasionally.  It means bedtime.  It means consequences.  It means saying no.  It means getting everybody out the door Monday morning with shoes, backpacks, lunches, homework, and hopefully pants.  That’s parenting.

Don’t Make Mom Do All the Hard Stuff

Here’s something fathers need to consider.  If Mom handles school, homework, doctors, dentists, discipline, clothes, medications, activities, teachers and bedtime five days a week—and Dad handles movies, restaurants and video games every other weekend—who appears to be doing most of the parenting?  That’s not a trick question.

This becomes especially important if you later walk into court asking for substantially more parenting time or custody.  You may say:  “I’m just as capable of raising my children.”  Good. What does your history show?  That’s the question.

Know What’s in the Backpack

Want a simple test of how involved you are?  Tell me what’s happening at school this week.  Who is your child’s teacher?  What class is difficult?  When is the next test?  Is there a project due?  What’s happening with grades?  Any missing assignments?  When is picture day?  What activities are coming up?  You shouldn’t need the other parent to tell you everything.  If your school provides parents online access, get access.  Read the emails.  Check the portal.  Attend conferences.  Communicate appropriately with teachers.  Know what’s happening.

Being an involved Father means knowing more about school than what time the football game starts.

Learn the Medical Stuff Too

Who’s your child’s pediatrician?  Dentist?  Orthodontist?  Does your child take medication?  What dosage?  Any allergies?  When was the last checkup?  When is the next appointment?  If you had to take Johnny to urgent care tonight, could you answer the basic medical questions?  You should be able to.

Again, this isn’t about impressing a judge.  This is about being a parent.  But should custody ever become disputed, there’s a pretty substantial difference between saying you’re involved and demonstrating years of actual involvement.

Your House Is Their Home

Another subtle mistake Dads make is treating their home like a temporary hotel for the kids.  Try to give your children a sense that they actually live there.  That doesn’t necessarily mean every child needs a giant private bedroom.  Families have different financial circumstances.  But your children should have a place for their belongings.

Clothes.  Toothbrushes.  School supplies.  Medicine when appropriate.  Favorite foods.  A place to sleep.  A place to do homework.  Maybe pictures on the wall.  They shouldn’t have to live entirely out of a suitcase every time they come to Dad’s house.  The message should be:  You belong here.

Don’t Outsource Your Parenting Time

Grandparents can be wonderful.  So can aunts, uncles, babysitters, new spouses and girlfriends.  There’s nothing wrong with having help.  Every parent needs help sometimes.  But if you only have limited parenting time and routinely spend most of it somewhere else, ask yourself what you’re accomplishing.  If you get four days a month with your kids and Grandma has them for two of those days every month, you’re giving away half your time.

There may occasionally be perfectly legitimate reasons for that.  Work happens.  Emergencies happen.  Life happens.  But as a pattern?  Be careful.  If you’re asking for more time with your children, use the time you already have.

Do Ordinary Things Together

Some of my favorite memories with my kids aren’t giant events.  They’re ordinary life.  Driving somewhere.  Eating dinner.  Talking.  Running errands.  Working on something together.  Laughing about something stupid.  That’s family.  You don’t have to manufacture a magical childhood every weekend.  Take your kid grocery shopping.  Cook dinner together.  Help with homework.  Throw a football.  Watch television.  Clean the house.  Go to church.  Run errands.  Talk in the car.  Live normal life.

Because that’s what you’re ultimately fighting for in a custody case.  Not more vacation time.  More life with your children.

Handle Discipline

This one can be difficult in two-household situations.  If your child misbehaves, don’t automatically decide:  “Well, I only have him this weekend. I’ll let Mom deal with it Sunday night.”  No.  You’re the parent.  Handle appropriate discipline in your home.  Have rules.  Have expectations.  Be consistent.  That doesn’t mean you have to run your house exactly like the other parent runs theirs. Two households will naturally have differences.

But children need to understand that Dad isn’t merely the guy who picks them up for 48 hours of unlimited fun.  Dad has standards too.

Stop Counting Hours and Start Counting Involvement

Custody cases naturally cause parents to focus on calendars.  How many overnights?  How many weekends?  Who gets Thanksgiving?  What time is pickup?  Those things matter.  But there’s a bigger question:  What are you doing with the time you have?

Fourteen days of being physically near your children isn’t necessarily fourteen days of involved parenting.  Were you engaged?  Did you know what was happening in their lives?  Did you help them?  Teach them?  Talk to them?  Care for them?  Parent them?  That’s what matters.

If You Want More Time, Start With the Time You Have

I understand fathers who want more time with their children.  I’ve been there.  I fought for custody.  I know what it’s like when somebody else—or a court order—has enormous control over when you can see Sally.  But here’s something you can control right now:  What kind of father are you during the time you already have?

Don’t wait until you have 50/50 custody to become a 50/50 parent.  Get involved now. Know the teachers.  Know the doctors.  Know the friends.  Know the homework.  Know the activities.  Know what makes your child nervous.  Know what makes them laugh.  Know what they’re struggling with.  Know your kid.

You’re Not a Visitor

The court order may give you “visitation.”  Don’t let that become your mindset.  You’re not picking up your children for a scheduled recreational event.  You’re raising them.  Maybe you currently get two days a week.  Maybe you get every other weekend.  Maybe you have 50/50.  Maybe you have primary custody.

Whatever the schedule says, when your children are with you:  Be Dad.  Do the fun stuff.  Absolutely.  But do the hard stuff too.  Do the boring stuff.  Do the inconvenient stuff.  Do the 7:00 a.m. stuff.  Do the “I forgot my science project” stuff.  Do the “I don’t want to go to bed” stuff.  Do the parenting.  Because if the day comes when you stand before a judge and say:  “I want a greater role in raising my children,”  the strongest argument isn’t what you promise you’ll do someday.  It’s what you’ve already been doing all along.