For court appointments of any kind, drive your oldest most conservative car.  Upon exiting the vehicle you show your confidence with a smile. You don’t know who you will pass on your way into the building. You could be passing attorneys, jury members and judges. In my case, it was a jury trial that lasted three days. So there were jury members I was not allowed to talk to but whom I nevertheless saw in the restroom and shared elevators with.

Judges, opposing counsels, witnesses, are parking cars next to yours, walking in behind you and either getting the doors held for them by you—or else closed in their faces.  During my trial, I saw dads and other people going to court who were losing their cool in the parking garage—cussing, cutting up, saying negative things about their spouses—while judges and jury members were still watching them. Folks, your trial is not going on inside a vacuum. It is therefore up to you to keep your act clean both in and out of the courtroom.

Later in other tips, I’ll tell you about getting to do a post-trial interview with a jury member, and how close I came to not getting custody despite all my preparations and hard work. It comes down to little things like whether you were polite, whether you held doors open, how you spoke, if you made good eye contact. It is imperative to your success that you maintain your composure until the moment you leave and drive calmly away in your car.

One of life’s great truths can be found hidden away in Steve Martin’s comedy LA Story. “Why is it that we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?”

The truth of that statement hit me head on back in 1998. I was on top of the world. I was a software engineer, I’d created a product called Remit Plus, I owned my own company. At 29, I was making 6 figures, driving a sports car, and I’d just bought a four-bedroom house. The roommates and I turned it into Animal House. Between the partying and the shallow relationships, I was losing focus and letting money get the better of me.

One month after a one-night stand with a gal named Cindy, everything came crashing down with those two words a party animal dreads most: “I’m pregnant.” I’d had a pretty decent upbringing, so I slammed on the brakes: cleaned up the house, got rid of the beer, decided I’d better grow up, do the right thing. I was going to get married.

But being a stand-up guy and doing the right thing isn’t the same as being a fool. This marriage wasn’t based on a long term and loving relationship. So it had better be based on a prenuptial agreement.

Thing was, Cindy wouldn’t sign it. Her parents told her not too. And everything went even further south from there. I was in the title role of a paternity suit and I was expected to become the meal ticket. My whole life was crashing down and my business and finances were about to be affected in a pretty serious way.

I joined Fathers’ Equal Rights; I read some books. I found nothing that would help me with the day-to-day details on what I needed to do. I flailed around through a couple months, got an attorney, and began to truly realize that this situation was entirely about the money.

Meanwhile, the greatest thing that ever happened to me was coming at the worst and lowest period in my life. My daughter Caitlyn was born on March 31. So why wasn’t this about her?

At this point, I decided I needed to file and be the custodial parent. I told this to my attorney, who said, “You know, Fred, men don’t gain custody.” Not unless you can prove over and over that mom is unfit, on drugs, criminally insane, tortures puppies, still likes Gallagher: that there’s something Beyond Wrong with her. He told me I wouldn’t have a chance. And I was thinking, “Here it is, the end of the 21st Century, we live in the greatest democracy in the world. This cannot be true.”

Now I had a quest, a real focus. My main reason for doing so was that I had determined that I would probably be the better parent. Looking back on the ten-year history today, I obviously am the better parent. And that is the premise of this blog: that you become, and that you ARE the better parent. There are no tips in this blog that will give you a sleight of hand trick. I believe that the primary custodian should be the better parent, and I believe that there is no predetermined law that that must be the mother.

I want to let you know that I have been in your shoes. I was a single male, involved in a paternity suit over my daughter who at the time was less than one year old. And I got custody. It’s not impossible. Don’t give up hope, but it is going to take some serious work!  Kids need good parents.  Courts need the BEST parent to be the primary custodian. 

Are you that parent?  Could you be? Does the evidence of your life say you are the better parent?  What do the neighbors, the mailman, the kids’ principal, your kids’ dentist, the school nurse say?  Would they say “You are the better parent?”

The kids’ stuff shouldn’t be able to fit easily into a backpack, or even into a nice set of luggage. Their room needs to be decorated, pictures on the wall, games and books, stuff to do; it needs to look like a room your kids live in permanently, not just a place they kill some time before returning to their real home, not just four walls with a bed in it.

My daughter Caitlyn's Room

This is next to impossible to do if you only have a one-bedroom and you or the kids are sleeping on the couch. Not favorable to a one bedroom where the kids or you are sleeping on the couch.

The room as well as the house/apartment need to look like you are the custodial parent and you could function without help from the other side. Make it look like maybe the child is packing up their own stuff when they go visit mom.

So often during temporary orders, mom is packing everything from the clothes to the toothbrush. Expecting the court to grant dad custody under these circumstances is like expecting the inheritance to go to the prodigal son; yes, everyone’s happy and maybe a little surprised the prodigal son made good, but he gets a pat on the back and fatted calf, not the family farm.

Every time you walk into court, whether you’re coming in to drop off a piece of paper, make a child support payment, or even if it was just the closest bathroom on your way to somewhere else, you need to be dressed to the hilt.

Now I know you’re guys reading this, so a lot of this probably doesn’t come naturally to you. I personally don’t believe that just because you don’t know enough not to wear a brown belt with black shoes or to leave the bottom button of your suitcoat open, you should have Sally taken away from you. Stated like that, it sounds silly, and you’re going to want to discount this advice. But many of the judgments made against you aren’t even formulated into words in the minds of the people who have your future in their hands. Vague thoughts for or against you could make all the difference.

John Mahlo’s Dress for Success can help the fashion-hopeless with details like shoes and socks or making the knot in your tie. Which brings me to my next important point: the Tie.

Buy yourself a very nice, very conservative tie. Don’t make any political statements, don’t be funny, don’t express your love of fishing or duck hunting. A dressy, unexpressive, conservative tie, to go with your well-fitting suit. Nothing baggy or awkward, not the kind of suit a guy might borrow from his court-appointed lawyer to use for one hour before giving it back. We’re talking a suit that fits you and really looks like it’s yours.

 One of the weird things you might notice about dressing well in court is that people often mistake you for an attorney. So you’ll be respected; people will be polite.

 To keep these positive feelings, you need to make yourself memorable. The easiest way to do this is by wearing the same conservative tie every time you go to court. If you’re doing well, you’re polite, you’re passing through the metal detectors and sharing elevators with people, they need to have something about you pegged with this good experience.

 That said, heaven forbid you have a bad day in court—badmouth someone, don’t get along with your attorney, jump on the table and scream swearwords at a random woman who looks kind of like your Ex. Now you need to change the color of your tie and show up in something different.

 In my 11 years of experience, I can’t tell you how many guys go into court looking like they just fell off a truck and they want the judge or jury to see through all the crap on the outside and realize something that, at this point, is only apparent to long-term friends who’ve seen them in better times.

Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Session IV Link

Mocha Dad: How do you handle household chores in your home? What is the division of labor?

Fred: Unless you have four legs, you must do chores in order to live in our house. It is all part of being a growing functional family. The chores increase with age and are addressed as primary and secondary functions:

• Karen: Primary – Shopper, all things school related, homework helper, decorator of all things outside, keeper of the dog, master family schedule keeper. Secondary – Fred’s backup, vacuuming, a rare occasional shower cleaner.
• Fred: Primary – Bread winner, bill payer, and budget producer, family laundry washer & folder, in charge of washing dishes and placing in the dish washer, all things electronic & computer related. Secondary – Karen’s backup, hard homework and major kid’s projects.
• Caitlyn: Primary – Reading and attending school, keeping room clean, dish washer emptier, must put away all her folded clothes, collecting dirty clothes, vacuuming. Secondary – Feeding the dog, cooking one night a week.
• Zachary: Primary – Reading and attending school, keeping room clean, table setter, mopper of kitchen and tiled floors. Secondary – All things electronic & computer related.

Mocha Dad: What do you teach your children about money?

Fred: Money is to be earned by trading time for money. To become wealthy you must learn to residual or duplicate your time to increase your money. You must save 10% and give away 10% and learn to live on 80% until you become rich then those first two numbers must go up.

Mocha Dad: What type spiritual or religious teachings do you share with your children?

Fred: Basic Christianity. When they get a little older, we will impart into them “Red Letter Christianity.” The reality is that God is real in our lives and we cannot separate it out in everything we do. Thus their Christianity is inevitable by modeled association.

Mocha Dad: What advice would you give to new fathers?

Fred: Now is the time to be the very best person you can be. As a dad, your influence on your kids will be far greater than your wife’s. Your child’s success, promiscuity, drug problem, integrity, and grades will be in direct proportion to your active involvement in their lives. The next 25 years will go by faster than any other year of your life—take some time and be present in your kids’ lives. Hug, be real, and say I love you—all the time!

Mocha Dad: Please share a humorous fatherhood experience.

Fred: Before I took daily ADD medicine, I had sleep apnea and would fall asleep reading to my kids. One day my kids were playing house where the parents were the kids and the kids were the adults. My son goes, “Ok, I’ll be the dad, he grabbed a book and proceeded to pretend to fall asleep on the couch and snore loudly. We all busted out laughing! Remember more is caught than taught. Now go have some fun with those kiddos!

This concludes the round table interview.  Again to read the other fathers and the MAJOR discussion that went on about these topic, please click the link atop for Mocha Dad’s blog.  Special thanks to Fred (aka Mocha Dad) for selecting me to participate in this discussion!

Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Session III Link

Mocha Dad: How do you deal with in-laws?

Fred: 1) With out-of-town in-laws, we never stay with family. We get our own car and hotel. 2) The number one priority is our own nuclear family. We visit and add our extended family secondary to our personal family needs. 3) We put huge restrictions on what our in-laws are allow to buy and do for our kids. 4) We plan out all visits accordingly and never visit or stay long enough to allow them or us to get on each other’s nerves. 5) We never feel guilty about having to be or do anything with anybody. Again we have our own family traditions and in-laws fit in where possible.

Mocha Dad: What is the best fatherhood lesson that you’ve learned?

Fred: Children forgive faster than adults and can love unconditionally. Always tell your kids the truth and realize they catch more of your actions than your words.

Mocha Dad: What has been your scariest moment as a parent?

Fred: Being a co-parent with an Ex that has significantly different parenting styles. Or stated another way, “Having the faith to give over your child without always knowing who or where they will be with for extended periods of time.” My only advice is to pray and realize statistically, the world really is a safer place for kids today than it was when we grew up. It is unfortunate the media has conditioned us to think otherwise. If you don’t believe me, read “Grown Up Digital” by Don Tapscott.

Mocha Dad: What has been your most fulfilling fatherhood experience?

Fred: Having a purposeful and meaningful career, two unbelievable kids, an exceptional wife and a never ending forgiving God who desires to know and hang with me every step of the way.

Mocha Dad: How do you discipline your children?

Fred: Children are very different and unique. Therefore, the answer to this question is there is not a “one size fits all.” Based on the temperament, love language, and the way each child perceives pain, will determine the how each child needs to be disciplined. For my sensitive and genius five year old son, a correcting voice or the loss of a clock or calculator would pretty much end the world. For my 10 year old social daughter, not being allowed to play across the street with her friend is Hell on Earth. That said, I am not a fan of corporal punishment under any circumstances. Parents that “spank” lack creative thinking.

Stay tuned one more session to go!

Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Session II Link

Mocha Dad: What do you teach your son(s) about manhood? Your daughter(s)?

Fred: My number one mission is to drill home to my children that their goal in life is “To be a servant to others.” Rick Warren got it right in his bestselling book, “The Purpose Driven Life.” The secret to life is “It’s not about you.” True manhood and success in life, comes from serving others and the attitude you have towards accomplishing that God given goal. Whether you are a waiter or the President of the United States—your measure of success is how we’ll did you serve mankind. True manhood or womanhood is learning and exemplifying this fact.

Mocha Dad: How has being a parent affected your marriage?

Fred: It has taught me how utterly selfish I am as a human being. This reality teaches me to better serve my wife. I don’t think I would be as good a husband had I not had kids that reflect my own selfish nature.

Mocha Dad: How do you keep the spark in your marriage?

Fred: I didn’t get it right the first time—didn’t even make it down the aisle with my daughter’s mother. Thankfully God is a God of second chances. So when I did get married, I married up—way, way, way up the food chain. My wife, Karen is smarter, quicker, faster, and better looking than me just to name a few of the many quality that she has. She keeps me on my toes and I am always playing catch up. From that frame of mind, I view marriage a little differently than some. For starters, I am always thankful to be married and always feel I have not arrived and could be better. This mindset helps me think of her first in most things I do. For the perfect spark, you have to have date nights, get away from time to time (without the kids), and remember that the marriage is superior to parenting. Spouse stays, kids leave. Any questions?

Mocha Dad: When you and your spouse disagree about a parenting issue, how to do you deal with it?

Fred: I think my wife has been wrong once, but I can no longer remember the exact details. We agree on most everything—our parenting styles are very close and we constantly over-research most parenting issues. That said, we don’t see eye to eye on everything—not to burst your bubble. If I truly disagree with Karen on a parenting issue, I will defer to her—always. She has alpha dog power on parenting issues. Now if it deals with finances, work, business, laundry, money or dishes; I supersede her—I’m alpha parent on these issues.

Mocha Dad: How do you balance work, marriage and raising children?

Fred: This is my greatest struggle! I am the bread winner. I’m a work at home, entrepreneur, world raising/kid changing, twitterholic, social media freak, who can do his job with a cell phone and a laptop. I take my laptop and cell phone with me everywhere I go—which is both good and bad. To add insult to injury, the more I work, the more money I make. There is neither a floor nor a ceiling. Therefore, I have to really plan downtime with both my wife and my kids. So here are a few tips I sometime utilize: (1) I try to go technology free from 6 p.m. on Saturday to 6 p.m. on Sunday. No emails, no cell phones, no laptops and no twittering. It’s tough, but my family should be able to count on me during these times. (2) I come out of my home office room at 5:30 p.m. and don’t re-enter until after the kids go to bed—or at least that is the goal. (3) I try to have lunch out with my wife at least once a week. (4) We try to take a vacation out of town with the kids and without the kids at least once a year. (5) We try, although not always successful, to have a date night at least twice a month. (6) I attend all school activities, volunteer regularly in the classroom and stay very involved in the PTA. I have a pulse on what happens at my kids’ school.

Again there there is more to come, <click here> for the next of a four part installment.

Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Session I Link

MochaDad: Explain how you felt when you first found out you would be a father?

Fred: The first time, I was not married nor expecting it. I was shocked for about 10 minutes, followed by extreme excitement, then concern about my ability to be the best father possible. The second time, I was married and was expecting it. I was on cloud nine! I knew I would be involved in another world changing life and I was very excited. The LORD has blessed me twice with such a great opportunity. LORD willing, I will experience that joy one more time in March of 2010.

Mocha Dad: How would you compare yourself to your father?

Fred: I have a good father and he has trained me to be a better father—something every father desires. (“Stand on my shoulder son, so that you may see farther.”) Nevertheless, I repeated many of his mistakes. I don’t blame him; I am responsible for my own actions. Nevertheless, we must be careful what we teach our kids through our history and private actions. More is caught than taught.

Mocha Dad: What is one skill every father should have?

Fred: There are many skills a father should have. Perhaps near the top should be the confidence and encouragement that only a father can give. Don’t miss a chance to say “Good job!”, “Well done.”, “I believe in you.”, “I love you.” Apparently research shows hearing those words from dad goes farther than just about anything anyone could ever tell your kids. The absence of those words, scar children for a lifetime.

Mocha Dad: How do you feel about the media’s portrayal of fathers?

Fred: They display fathers as bumbling idiots who are not present or out of touch with their kids. I am extremely displeased with the media of our time—overall. They have long since lost the art of being the world’s “watch dog” and have given in to sensationalized “yellow journalism.” This means, they focus on what sells and improve corporate ratings, rather than the overall general public best interest. The general public is not off the hook either. We would rather hear about plane crashes, murder, drugs and things that we fear, than to hear that most people are good and the world is slowly becoming a better place. With that in mind, the reality of parenting, and especially today’s fathers, is grossly under reported and shamelessly slanted by the media.

Mocha Dad: Do you find any difference in raising girls and boys?

Fred: Every child is different and the parenting required to properly raise your children is different. The goal of parenting is to raise children that are: “Healthy, wealthy, and wiser than you, who grow up and LEAVE and become productive servants of society.” I find it very different raising a daughter verses raising a son. However, the answer to your question has more to do with their love language and personal temperament than stereotypical gender roles. Trust me. I have a son in ballet!

Again there there is more to come, <click here> for the next of a four part installment.

As a custodial father of my then four now ten year old daughter, I frequently get asked, “Why do you have full or primary custody?”  My standard and honest answer is, “Because I am the better parent in almost ever area of our daughter’s life.”  From which I usually get asked a second question, ”What area of your parenting does your Ex do better than you?”  I always say, “She can style her hair slightly better than me, but I am working on it.”

Well folks that answer for me is about to change!  Dads, grandpas, uncles, and step-dads, I have stumbled upon a fantastic book called, “Does Your Daughter Have Dad Hair?” by Craig A. Lawrey.  This 42 page, full color, extremely funny book, walks fathers through their daughter’s basic hair assessories, five hair styling tips, and five step-by-step hair styles.  It’s written by a dad for a dad in dad’s language complete with pictures and, and, umm… duct tape.

This is a perfect gift for any dad and I highly recommend it!  I begged and begged Craig to sell me a few precious copies from his first pre-sample printing order.  Dads, I got my hands on a few copies.  So here is the deal, the book will retail at $12.95 plus tax and plus shipping next year.  As of 11/25/2009 I have a VERY few left in stock.  Until I sell out, I am taking pre-public sale orders for the book,  at $9.95.  I offer a 100% money back guarantee and you can return the book for any reason no questions asked.  I’ll even refund the shipping.  This book make a GREAT Christmas gifts!

Should we sell out, I’ll take pre-orders at this price until further notice!  Paypal and you can also use the “NO Paypal credit cards” option (don’t log into your Paypal account but do click continue) computers are standing by, here’s how to order!

Craig Lawrey is a Navy Distinguished Marksman, an accomplised ocean going Sailor, and a not-so accomplised Equestrian.  He has been an Army Infantryman, Postman, Navy Reservist, and an Environmental Consultant.  The hardest and most inspiring job he has ever had (his words), is being a Stay-At-Home Dad.  He resides in Southern California with his wife, two children, and the plethora of animals his kids call pets.

As a single parent of three children, I am bound to have communication challenges and disagreements with family members. I have two teenagers and a soon to be 10-year old and when arguments ensue, I have made my share of mistakes. As a father, I never want my children to be angry with me, however, I also want my children to know the difference between good and bad behavior. There is a fine line between having a mutually-respectful relationship and letting your children run out of control. Apologizing after a disagreement is an important parenting tool that requires a few important steps.

 In this article, I want to share four easy steps that I learned on how to navigate family arguments and how to create an apology that is effective, sincere, and lasting with your child.  Take a look at my steps and see how many of these items can help you understand the power of an apology.

1.  Respect.
I live by a rule of respect in my household. You can never give your child enough respect. What I mean by this statement is communicating to your child that you respect them and their feelings. Yes, as a father, I literally take a moment to say those very words and state my feelings of respect and make sure that they feel that the conversation is going to be safe and respectful. People can disagree and that is being human. Making a statement of respect will ensure that the ensuing conversation is lasting and heartfelt.

2.  Timing.
Sometimes waiting after an argument is important for all parties to reflect on what has happened. I feel that rushing into an apology gives the wrong impression to the child and it can often create more animosity. This is especially true when dealing with a teenager. My post-argument apology has worked better when I have explained to my teenager that both of us need to discuss our argument after a specific period of time to “cool down”. It is important to note that you do not want the cooling-off period to go overnight or for an unspecified period of time. This can represent disrespect or a lack of a priority with your teenager.  Make it known that you want to talk to your child and create a resolution with him or her. Request a time and stick with it. If your child refuses to speak with you after an argument, remember to give a little time to cool-off and then write a hand-written note to your child and slip it under his or her door. Tell them that you want to discuss the argument and that you want to understand their position and to apologize for any misunderstandings.

3.  Be Present.
Allow yourself to be dedicated to listening to what your child has to say. Listening is the new way of “speaking” to your child during an apology. Do not interrupt or defend yourself during the apology conversation. Interrupting will only invalidate your attempts to seek a resolution and your future dialog with your child. Show patience by listening to what is being said. If you don’t understanding something, literally use this phrase, “ So what you just said was…” and repeat exactly what you just heard from your child.  This gives your child an opportunity to repeat or correct what they are trying to communicate to you with the validation that you are listening. As a father of three, I have discovered this stage to be the most effective in creating an apology after the argument. After feelings are expressed and you are listening and being present, now is the time for the apology.

4.  Sincerity.
I used to think that mothers and girlfriends were the only people that could sense insincerity, but I was wrong. My children can sense how sincere my apology is and I realized that if I was going to complete my post argument apology, I was going to have to be authentic and meaningful. To make sure I am in the right mindset, I remind myself what I want most, a connection with my children. In order to have a connection, you must reach out to your child, especially in an apology. Something like this, “I am sorry for arguing with you and I want to apologize for my actions. I want to have a meaningful and loving relationship with you that is built on trust, respect and love. As your father, I am human and far from perfect. I am sorry that we had an argument and that I hurt your feelings.  I have also learned that I will do a better job as your father by listening to your feelings about…” 

In summary, I hope that these life lessons I have shared will help open new possibilities in the relationship with your children. For more Single Parent Advice and Resources, go to www.SingleDad.com. Thank you.

Richard “RJ” Jaramillo is the Founder and President of SingleDad.com. He is also a Single Father of three children and resides in San Diego, Ca. With over nine years of experience helping other Single Parents with advice, support, and resources; RJ is excited to share his company and personal mission on teaching others how to “Make Life Happen…Again!”