W
e talked yesterday about wrong ways to communicate with your Ex. So how do we write good notes that convey well?
1. Tackle One Issue at a Time. There may be 10 things you think are urgent that needs to be discussed with your Ex, but in a letter, there should only be one short issue discussed. In court, your letters could be used as evidence. Short letters can be quickly read by the judge, even if opposing side “Objects”. Keep your correspondence short and to the point.
Bad example: “To the mother of my child: This letter is to address the fact that you have been more than 30 minutes late the past five drop offs, always forgetting to bring her school bag back, are currently $10,000 behind on your child support …”
Good example: “03/25/2009 Mary, just a short sealed handwritten note to let you know Jill has started using training bras this week. Perhaps you might have a discussion with her about this. If needed, I am free for coffee after I drop Jill at school at 8:30a on Friday. A quick Y/N text will do. Either way works for me. Keeping you in the parenting loop. – Fred”
2. Be Brief and To the Point.
3. Keep Your Feelings Out of It. I’m going to lump these two suggestions together because they seem to go hand in hand. Again this is not your time to relive accusing back story, nor time to write a novel about all the gory details. Document the date, keep it very to the point, write as few sentences as possible, and be cordial.
Bad example: “I have noticed that your daughter when she comes from your house wears inappropriate clothing that show her breast buds. I cannot believe how you never seem to take time out of your overly busy schedule to address that fact that your daughter needs a bra.”
Good example: “03/25/2009 Mary, just a short sealed handwritten note to let you know Jill has started using training bras this week. Perhaps you might have a discussion with her about this. If needed, I am free for coffee after I drop Jill at school at 8:30a on Friday. A quick Y/N text will do. Either way works for me. Keeping you in the parenting loop. – Fred”
4. Document Your Concerns and the Event. Depending on what stages you are in regarding your court case, some events need to be documented. Documentation includes a copy of the note, which you’ll make ahead of time. Next, a date and time of the event, and then after delivery, a handwritten record that the letter was delivered. After a letter has been given, I usually handwrite across the top “Hand Delivered to Jill on 03/25/2009 when Mom dropped off Johnny at 7:03p to the front door of Dad’s house (3832 Periwinkle Street.)”
5. Mail It, Hand Deliver It, or Seal It in an Exchange Bag. As already stated, an exchange is not the place to have these discussions. The best method is to drop it in the mail to the other parent’s house. Seal it in an envelope and give to your Ex at the door—cordially or finally place it with other notes from school in a sealed envelope “To Only Be Opened by the Other Parent.”
Co-parenting is hard. Take the high road and keep the other parent informed and write her a short, brief, letter about your precious children. After you written it, sleep on it and re-read it in the morning. Make sure it’s all about the children, after all that’s what matters.
What do you think?
This is an excerpt from “Daddy Got Custody” by Fred Campos due out soon. Copyright 2011.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m going to be right in your face tomorrow in the daylight. My mind is occupied with your blog but it is late and I am home now tired. I embrace your loving fodder.
Good points made here…
Always keep in mind that not until your children turn 18 years old you, you will more than likely end up back in court.
It’s always good to have something written to refer back to when you need to recall a situation or communications between you and your ex.
I’ve seen that in many situations the court may seriously takes this into consideration when make determinations on child custody and visitation.
Remember that it’s what the court considers as being “in the best interest of the children” not always what you think is in their best interest.
Documents for Divorce
“No matter what decision you make, always make it an informed one.“
Documents for Divorce,
well said!
I’ve found that email is actually more effective than handwritten communication. An added benefit is that it allows you to keep a copy of your correspondence.
In fact, we have it written in to our court order that all parenting communication is to be conducted via email.
Lou,
an absolutely great suggestion! Adding that to your court order is even better–very good!
Hello Guru, what entice you to post an article. This article was extremely interesting, especially since I was searching for thoughts on this subject last Thursday.
I would urge caution about putting anything in an “exchange bag” or anything else that is transported by the children, sealed or not.
It introduces a risk that the child will see/read it.
If you’re in a high-conflict divorce and custody situation, you may be accused of unnecessarily putting the child “in the middle of” communications between the parents.
Don’t use the child as a go-between, sealed envelope or otherwise.
Win Child Custody – Mr. Custody Coach
Very well said, yes unless it is a last resort (i.e. there is no other way to communicate and you don’t know where your Ex lives to mail it–don’t laugh it’s my Ex’s current situation). Dads, Michael’s site is a great resource, make sure you click it and book mark it now!
You you should change the post subject In Letters to Ex: Be Formal, Polite, & Brief. Tip #248 — Daddy Got Custody! to something more suited for your content you make. I loved the blog post nevertheless.